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WWE on Privet Drive
by Rihaan Shimomura

Rating: T

Note: If you don’t want to be confused, disregard the timeline. This is 100 percent current as of September 6, 2008.


“Freak! Where are you?”

“Over here, Duds.”

Dudley and his gang slowly turned around to see Harry Potter, flunked by two hulking figures before him. “Dudley, I want you to meet two employees of mine. The one on my left is Paul, although he is more commonly known as Triple H.”

At this, the man that Dudley had idolized all of his life took a sip of his bottled water, his blue eyes fixed on the frozen manatee-like boy.

“And the one on my right is John.”

Piers looked with amazement and fear at the figure, his face shaded by a khaki hat, but he easily could tell who it was. “John…Cena?”

John looked up at the boy with a grim smile and removed his hat. He locked his jaw and threw the hat on the ground in front of the boy.

“Maybe I should explain first?” Since the large gang was still frozen in shock at the two Wrestling Superstars in front of them, he continued. “You see, Dudders & Co., I found out recently that my family helped fund the World Wrestling Federation, now known as Entertainment, since the beginning of it all. Apparently, I could borrow any wrestler, any time I want.”

Hearing the dangerous teasing voice in Harry’s voice snapped Dudley out of his stupor. The only thought that came to his mind was to run as far as he could. He would rather be in Guantanamo Bay Prison with Big Bob than with these two wrestlers. He turned around, and tried to run before he saw a small glimpse of a man with blonde hair, his head charging full force at him, until there was a sharp pain in his gut and he was knocked on his back.

At that moment, Harry found out that if the leader was scared enough to run away, then all hell would break loose in the gang. They tried to scatter, to be anywhere but there, but Harry’s employees were already on the move. Paul, or Triple H, had already thrown his bottle at one of the larger members of the gang. He grabbed the boy and lifted him off of his feet. He seemed to contemplate what to do before he shrugged and threw the boy three more feet into the air, letting him crash onto the ground.

John Cena, meanwhile, grabbed two of the bullies by the neck. The two sixteen year-olds could do nothing but quiver in fear as the man smiled and dropped them on their feet, then quickly extended his arms to knock both of them on their backs by their neck. He loved the double- clothesline move, so he picked them both up by the hair to do it again.

Dudley opened his eyes seconds after he was knocked down to look up into the face of the man who had supposedly hit him. The man’s blue eyes were filled with insanity, he was breathing hard with adrenaline, and his blonde hair was very unkempt. He was smiling a very toothy and manic smile, as if he was ready to kill. The man stood over him and punched him in the chest. Unfortunately for Dudley, the punch was real. It took him a moment to realize that the man was none other than ‘Edge’ when the second blow came in contact with his shoulder.

Piers had almost made an escape, as Harry nor anyone else saw him there yet, along with a few others. Before he could get too far from the scuffle, a sharp blow to the back of the head told him that he had been spotted.

“What the bloody—?” He stopped as he turned around and saw two men staring him down. The first man had a distinct metal piercing in his lip and a golden wrestling belt on his waist, signaling that he was the man known as CM Punk. The other man was Jamaican, holding his fist in a swinging position, clearly stating that he was the one that hit him in the back of the head.

“What do you think, Kofi?” The World Heavyweight Champion asked.

“I think we should knock some sense into his skull,” Kofi Kingston remarked with his accent. “This kid need to learn to neva mess with his betters.”

And with that, the two joined hands and used the connecting fists to clothesline him.

Harry looked on at all of this with a smile. While he was not expecting this much enthusiastic-ness, he wasn’t complaining. He was so wrapped up in the fight, he didn’t see the large man approach him, but noticed as he felt hands encircle his neck from behind.

“What the hell is this?” He asked, and Harry didn’t have to be a genius to realize that it was his dear old uncle.

“Let…go!” Harry grunted, trying to escape his grip.

“Get those men off of my son this instant!”

“Relax, old man,” a voice said from behind Vernon. “We’re just showing the kids what happens to bullies who pick on kids.”

“I don’t give a damn what you’re doing, get them off of my son right—!” The words died off in his mouth, for he finally decided to turn around. He immediately let go of Harry, he was numb with fear. He was looking up at the frowning face of ‘The Big Show’.

“You know,” he said, stepping closer to the smaller, but wider man, “maybe you should learn, too.” He raised his giant palm and slammed it hard against Vernon’s chest.

Dudley, beaten, was slowly getting up from his torture. Edge had left him to help John Cena double-team Josh and Eric, who have surely wet themselves by now. He looked around and saw his dad being man-handled by the Big Show. The freak was near them, smiling.

Having an IQ as low as Dudley’s means that he does not have a lot of common sense. In fact, having Dudley’s IQ meant having absolutely no common sense. Dudley, not understanding when to run and when to beat someone up, he stormed (or staggered) towards Harry.

He didn’t get far, as he was slammed in the head by two giant hands. Dudley screamed. The man, whoever it was, was literally squeezing the life out of him. He felt that his head was going to squash like a pumpkin. As he heard a large battle cry from the man behind him, he realized that it was the Great Khali before he blacked out.

John Cena had enough fun and was ready to close on this bully. He raised his hand and put in front of Eric. He waved his hand in the boy’s face, signaling his trademark move. He stood up and left the bully’s sight. When he entered his sight again, Eric heard the words ‘You can’t see me!’ before he found out just how painful the ‘Five-Knuckle Shuffle’ was.

Edge looked around while his victim was on the ground. He wanted to use a chair or a table. Fortunately for Josh, he couldn’t spot any. Edge sighed ruggedly and mussed his hair. He proceeded to walk over the boy, stepping on him as he did so, as his job was done.

Ryan screamed in pain as the tenth open hand smack on the head sounded. He slowly opened his eyes to see Kofi Kingston smiling mischievously.

“Your turn,” Kofi said, replacing CM Punk in holding Ryan’s hands behind his back.

Harry was patiently waiting for his employees to be done fighting, while enjoying the show. He had never watched WWE or WWF before, so seeing it live was an amazing sight for him. He was always told, back in elementary school, that most of it was fake, but it seemed that today was a special occasion, according to all of their screams. Harry had to thank Tonks profusely for placing silencing charms and notice-me-not charms on this alley.

He looked towards Dudley to see him unconscious. That would not do. He walked over to Dudders, making sure to avoid any ‘collisions’, and nudged him. When that didn’t work, he called Kofi over, leaving Ryan to Punk.

“Yea, little mon?”

“Could you please wake Dudley up for me? He’s missing all the fun,” Harry said, concern etched in his voice.

Kofi nodded. “I know just de thing.” He backed up about five feet and ran up towards Dudley, then suddenly stopped. He then proceeded to do a sort of shimmy or dance, before he jumped high into the air and extended his legs forward. Normally, only his legs would hit Dudley, but since he was being punished, Kofi decided to put his full weight on Dudley, so he ended up sitting on his gut.

Dudley was shocked back awake by the weight of the ‘Jamaican Sensation’. “Get off me!” He yelled helplessly.

Kofi obeyed by bouncing on his gut a few more times like a moonwalk and got back up. Dudley, now in a lot of pain, tried to get up, but couldn’t. It took a few grunts for Harry to find out that with Dudley’s enormous weight, he couldn’t get up.

“What’s the matter, ‘Big D’?” Harry teased.

“I’ll get him up,” A voice said behind them. They looked back to see a man approach them, a small smile gracing his face. They nodded and stepped out of the way, letting him do what he does best. The man looked at Dudley, as if he were prey. Then, without warning, the man known as ‘Batista’ quickly picked Dudley up and dropped him on his feet hard. Dudley, fortunately, stood firmly on his feet, wondering what was going to happen next. He had soiled himself at least once already, and if punched in the gut again, he might throw up. The ‘Animal’ then continued to do a barrage of punches toward his face, stomping on his foot with each step so Dud wouldn’t fall to the ground.

Vernon looked over to his son to see what was happening. The Big Freak had gone bored with him, giving him time to look for the little freak. He stumbled over to the boy, and almost made it, until something told him to look behind him. It was as if he was possessed to do so. He looked back, and thought he saw the face of death for a moment.

The man grabbed his throat so fast, he caught Vernon in mid-gasp. The man had dark rings around his eyes, his face in a deep frown. He stood like that for a short moment, before lifting Vernon’s enormous body into the air.

It was quite the sight to see, that everyone still standing (the wrestlers, Harry and Dudley, who at that moment, fell down) watched the sight with awe and envy. Vernon was in the air for a full ten seconds, before the mysterious man grabbed the man’s belt and lifted it. Vernon, having always watched wrestling with his son, knew what was coming, and braced himself for it.

By soiling himself.

The last thought before his back slammed into the ground was how the hell the boy knew about Wrestling in the first place.

The man looked at Harry’s unconscious uncle lying before him, before he placed a foot on his chest and leaned his hands on his knee, as if surveying his work. Without warning, he then rolled his eyes to the back of his head, giving him the appearance of having no eyelids. He then raised his thumb and dragged it across his neck. It gave an overall terrifying appearance.

Harry smiled and clapped. “You always show up at just the right time – so I’ve heard.”

The man returned to normal, looked at Harry, then nodded once.

“Are we done?” John asked a bit later, after tossing a boy off of his shoulders.

Harry looked around at the carnage. “Yes, I think they got the message.” He then came up with a strange idea. “I wonder if muggle wrestlers can get through Malfoy’s wards…”


N/A: Yeah…so I like wrestling. No matter how corny, fake, and bloody it is. Made this in tribute to the return of the Mysterious man in the end, ‘The Undertaker’. Also the Unforgiven pay-per-view coming up. Any mistakes, just tell me.

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